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Phone: 07863 224173

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For more information please email me at: ebonyjanine@hotmail.com

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I really wanted to be pregnant. At 32 and in a ha

I really wanted to be pregnant.
At 32 and in a happy, going-steady partnership, career sorted,
this was the fu*king DREAM.
I had visions of me doing glowy downward dogs and drinking green juice.
When I weed on the stick, I stopped smoking and came off my anti-depressants.
I was okay until week 6 when the hormones and withdrawal from amitriptyline and nicotine suddenly slammed me into the most mind-bending depression I’d ever experienced.
Nausea and sickness hit with a vengeance and I started to become very dissociated.
Within a week I was in so much mental distress that thoughts of suicide and abortion rushed through my brain like darts, pinning me to the bed.
I could feel every single cell dividing, every ligament stretching, the deep ache in my marrow as my body attempted to give what it didn’t have.
I was meant to be happy.
This was what I’d always wanted.
At 12 weeks, I drove to an emergency clinic and begged for medication. I was hysterical and wanted to cut the baby out of me so that it would all stop.
I was told it wasn’t safe to take medication.
I’ve dealt with some painful shit but this was grave.
I couldn’t find anyone or anywhere talking about antental depression.
Every smell made me feel violated. I couldn’t go outside without feeling like the world was assaulting my senses. I couldn’t watch TV. Couldn’t be in my bedroom which before had been my sanctuary.
I couldn’t exist.
My baby shower was a pantomime.
Every single thing around me made me want to die.
Even when I finally got medication for the sickness and depression, I still felt like I was in a hallucinogenic sphere of disgust.
When we talk of maternal mental health, it’s usually the postnatal part.
But for me, the having a baby bit was a major relief compared to my body being borrowed.
My son is nearly six and as we approach IVF for our second baby, I’m scared.
This time around I’ve spent a year weaning off the cigarettes and medication I was on and upping the one that I’m “allowed” to stay on during pregnancy in the hope that it’ll soften the blow.
And this time around I won’t be posting smiley bump pics unless that’s how I really feel.
It’s ok not to be ok.
#maternalmentalhealthweek

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Ebony Gilbert Mobile: 07863 224173 email: ebonyjanine@hotmail.com

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